How To Be Poor With Style or Fairy Tales Bros. Grimm Forgot To Write

We've all heard this old addage. Money can't buy happiness, but where does it come from? Nobody knows for sure however people also believe in Ufo's, Ghost's, Telepathy, and Dr. Phil. Nobody knows where these beliefs came from either. My father possibly the funniest man I ever knew. Claimed it was a lie propagated by some rich guy to pacify the poor. I have no idea what he meant. I didn't listen much to his witism. I was to busy dreaming of the day when my true parents who were obviously rich would rescue me. There was no doubt what so ever that a mix up at the hospital had occured. How else could one explain my desire for things I could not afford? How can one explain the fact I feel more comfortable in a Rolls Royce? Why does champaign taste better than beer to me? Explain when I dream of boating I'm in a yacht not a jon-boat? Tell me this - if I'm not supposed to be rich- why do I have such an aversion to work? I still hold to the belief this mix up will someday be corrected. In the mean time I'll endeavor to pass on the knowledge of making poor seem bearable. I'm sure some of you out there are in the same predictament and these hints may let you survive until you too can be rescued.

These hospital mix ups are commonplace. What maybe even sadder than my situation though is the other man in this equation. He is out there somewhere on a yacht with a crew of 5 dreaming of fishing for supper from a jon-boat. He has all this money yet shops at garage sales for his clothes. He aimlessly wanders the aisles of Wal-Mart but does not know why. He sits down to dine at a fancy restaurant and ponders his need to stuff himself with the free soda crackers before ordering. He (and this maybe the saddest part) dreams of going to work at some factory for a modest wage and inadaquate benifits. He secretly believes his house is too large and oppulent. He thinks he would actually be more cozy in a mobile home. He wishes he would have had children instead of an endless string of affairs with super-models. The man I called dad always said- the rich get richer the poor get children. If you are reading this and think why yes Mr. Hootnhowell thats me exactly. Then have I got good news for you. I know who your parents really are!

If you find yourself in this mess. If your surroundings are not matching your childhood expectations. Like when I grow up I'm going to drive fast sport cars, and live in a mansion next door to Suntan Barbie(no tan lines ooo-lah-lah). I'm here to help you. I can't make you rich. I can't provide therapy to erase the erroneous information the people you called parents mistakenly instilled in that coconut you call your head! Like work hard, keep your nose to the grindstone, pay attention, avoid strong drink, don't sleep late, always keep your underwear clean blah-blah-blah! No it's probably too late to become rich for us, but I can offer some advice on being poor. Kind of like hints to stretch your meager budget while your making that futile climb up the company ladder. If you've recently been promoted on your job. You maybe asking yourself what can I do with all this extra money? Why are my old pals so stand-offish? Who wrote my ph# on the bathroom wall next to the phrase for a good butt- kissing call? Guess what it was your old pals letting you know your a sell-out. Oh the dance of quiant Americana traditions. Another piece of bad news for you the recently promoted butt-kisser. I can't help you either if you'll leave your phone # I can put it next to a phrase I'm writing in the bathroom stall.

Far better to stay a slacker. Jumping from a dead end slacker position to nuevo riche is much easier than working your way there. That is why you read so many rags to riches stories. You see if you stay a slacker you have nothing to lose. Once you buy into the therory hard work and dedication will pay off. We have lost the battle to be rich. Good luck on your upward mobility butt-kisser. What you are about to discover is a life of middle income. The hardest row to hoe in the field of dreams. You will soon be burdened with higher taxes, less free time, children, and more taxes, followed by more work, higher taxes. All these taxes are needed to pay for slackers who won't conform to middle income America. You have to pay for their education! You have to pay for their medical! You need to pay for their housing! You have to pay for his food! You have to work your silly butt off to pay for every little thing he refuses to work for. Good job Mr. butt-kissing Einstien welcome to middle class America! If you continue on this course for another 20yrs. What you will probably find at the end of this rainbow. Is that slacker owns the company of the ladder you've been busy climbing. Yes he took the elevator. While you were busy working overtime to make up for lost wages due to higher taxes. Mr. slacker was busy doing beer bongs and playing with pyrotechnics. Your predacessor who you are replacing. Invested heavily into this slackers pyrotechnic business while watching a street corner show of fire dancing poodles on a lunch break. The beer bong swilling, poodle hating, slacker who twenty years ago was writing your phone# on the bathroom wall. Is now your boss. He was promoted to CEO. Your replacing him. The person he is replacing died in a mysterious fire. While attempting a daring poodle rescue. Oh the irony!

I know what you maybe thinking. Give me the simple life! The real treasures of life are free. I don't care about the money. The simple pleasures in life are the best. True love doesn't come with a price attached. All I can say is step away from the country music puddin' head. Those types of sentiment are usually expressed in some twangy country song! They are lying their rhinestone covered butts off! They are touring around the country singin' bout the virtues of being poor while building a stock portfolio large enough to retire by age 23. Think about it! You can barely afford their concert tickets, not to mention their mega-million dollar tour bus. Meanwhile you work overtime to buy their latest CD release which has 10 songs about the difficulties of life on the road. Can you say DUH? Well I may be able to help you a little. Pay close attention as I'm about to share some money stretching ideas to help you make ends meet.

First of all Sweet-N-Low is available free almost everywhere. It has no nutrional value, but starving to death has never tasted better. It will also make you popular soon. Seems the French government has outlawed pictures of waifishly thin French citizens to combat anorexia. That means that skeletal looking French citizens will be the hottest look for decades. Go Figure??

E-Bay. It's a working man's friend. You can sell stuff on E-Bay to make extra money. Like say you wake up one morning. You notice the 2 eggs you just fried looks like the shape of Pope Pauls butt. Somebody on E-Bay will probably pay big bucks for that. I should probably keep this a secret but what the hey! Their is some lunatic named Satan on E-bay. Last week he bought my soul 3 times. I think it's because I offered to cover the shipping costs. Shhh our little secret O.K.?

Quit buying toilet paper. This is another free commodity. The next time your in a public rest room. Use what you need then just take the rest for home. This has double the fun factor if you work it right. Just manage to get in line ahead of that person who's sucking up to the boss for a promotion to middle income.

This trick takes a little research. Make friends with a lactose intolerant recipient of the Government Free Cheese program. When he comes over to hang out. Offer him a grilled cheese sandwich, more cheese for you.

Volunteer to work in soup kitchens. Volunteer to pass out blankets to the homeless. Guess what? Free soup and blankets! Remember the act of being a volunteer is it's own reward!

Get in the habit of taking an apron with you everywhere. Just before approaching an out door cafe. Put the apron on. Collect the tip money laying on the tables. Nobody questions a person with an apron on!

If you need a free meal. Just cruise the newspapers for weddings, funerals, family reunions. If somebody questions you during your 3rd trip to the buffet. Just tell them your uncle Bill, Bob, or Tom's kid. Every family has an uncle Bill, Bob or Tom. Just like every state has a Springfield. Special note though if the function you are attending consists mainly of black folks. Under no circumstance should you say your there with Uncle Tom. Your meal will most likely be delivered to you at the emergency room.

Soap is a free commodity like Sweet-N-Low or toilet paper. Carry a small resealable container for collection of liquid soap. Wet wipes from KFC and BBQ joints are also free. Plastic cuttlery is also free. Special note here Wendy's has the best plastic ware. Napkins are a free commodity. The beauty of these is you can make orogami. Which can be sold on E-Bay.

There are literally thousands of tips for being poor. Please feel free to share your tips below in the comment section. Remember there must be a million ways to make a million dollars. Of those million ways at least half should be legal. If you are like me and cannot think of even 1. Then you too were switched at birth. The reasoning here is we are supposed to be able to hire people to figure that kind of thing out.

I'm seriously considering starting a data base to reunite rich parents with the children who were switched at birth. If you are a rich parent who believes the child you raised is not all you dreamed he was supposed to be. Feel free to visit me at http://www.hootnhowell.blogspot.com/ or make a contribution to the reunite the poor with their rich relatives foundation. Checks can be made payable to Mr. Hootnhowell.